Another Dateless Friday Night

It's finally Friday & it is another dateless Friday night.

After a long stressful week at work I know what I will be doing tonight. I’ll be in my pajamas watching crime shows with no plans to leave my house. This is not how I expected 28 to be. I always assumed by 28 I would be married or at least madly in love with someone’s son. But here I am…emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted with dating and relationships; yet I remain a hopeless romantic, just a hopeless romantic on a dating hiatus.

I always imagined dating as an adult would be like the black love movies, you know - Love Jones, Poetic Justice or Brown Sugar but it has been everything but that. These days I’d consider even settling for a Baby Boy type of love. Ok I’m kidding, but this time next year this may not be a joke.

Dating for me has been a whirlwind to say the least, my relationships deserve screenplays. None of my relationships have been the same. I have tried on engagement rings, been in an open relationship, caught a boyfriend in bed with another woman, ended things when my severe case of FOMO (fear of missing out) kicked in and even been in an abusive relationship. When I say whirlwind I mean it, yet, I’m still the same hopeless romantic I was years ago before this rollercoaster took off. I'm not letting a few bad experiences leave me permanently jaded.

A few months ago, I wrote a post on falling back in love with myself and taking a break from dating to focus on myself and I have done just that. You can read that post here. No men, no distractions, no intimacy and no excuses has been the theme of my life since last summer. Of course there have been lonely days but days full of peace of mind outweigh the lonely ones. Days of loneliness don't equate to days of emptiness, because I don't feel empty. I feel happy, self confident and levelheaded than ever before.

Me not dating doesn’t mean there is a lack of suitors because there are, some I would consider giving a chance and some who have no chance in hell. My break from not dating has nothing to do with anyone else but everything to do with me. My next relationship, I want to give the best version of me- not what’s left of me.

Dating is already complicated but imagine dating as a single mom, it’s hard and sometimes I feel the pressure of wanting to be married. As I get older more of my friends are getting engaged and married; while up until this summer, I still found myself on the phone asking men what’s their favorite color. The types of men I'm attracted to paired with my FOMO, I find myself no closer to being married than I was 15 years ago- not that there is a rush.

There are days I'm not even sure I want to get married. One person for the rest of my life scares me. One person who I have to share my space with every day scares me. How am I supposed to know this is my one person. What if the person I think is my soul mate actually isn't? As I get older, I feel the pressure to get married or at least get boyfriend, from those around me. My friend Chelsea is amazing, we have been friends for a few years and she is one of the most genuine people I know. Our talks often turn into her wanting to set me up on a date because she wants me to experience the type of love she has been blessed with. I don't think a week goes by that I don't get a text from her asking if she can set me up on a date, from her boss to random people she meets out. Each time I decline but I love the fact that she is so persistent and want's me to experience a love so genuine that I feel safe enough to love someone back just as deeply.

Taking a break from dating before jumping into the next relationship allows you a chance to heal and there is no time frame on when you are done healing. So take months, days, or even years if you need it. I have been in countless relationships where we both brought baggage from the pervious relationship that we never unpacked that lead to us not reaching our full potential together. Last year, when I went through the breakup from hell, I got some really good advice that has stuck with me. I was fresh out off a relationship and was almost about to jump into another as a coping mechanism. A friend told me, don't go looking for a good man if you aren't a good woman. You must meet the requirements of your requirements, and he was right. I needed to work on myself so I could be in a space to reciprocate the type of love I require.

When I meet men now and I tell them I am not seeing anyone and each time they question my reasoning. The reason being me, my happiness and my ability to finally understand that everything doesn't have to be about a man or a relationship. All beauty does not inspire love. Just because you are sought after doesn't mean you will be valued. You have to teach people how to love you and their first chance to learn how to love you is how you show them you love your self. It took me years to learn this and now that I know this I'm even more confident and desirable than before. I'm happier now, my glow is different & this confidence doesn't come from a man but where it should have came from all along, from me.