While most people were enjoying their summer I was crying my eyes out week after week on my therapist’s couch while dealing with depression.
Some weeks the highlight of my day was knowing I would be seeing my therapist. For at least once that week I didn’t have to lie about how I was feeling or why I was feeling this way. Therapy helped me deal with some past traumatic experiences, family/work issues and sort through current issues I was facing like having two consecutive miscarriages this spring. Therapy also helped me discover the value in self-worth and the beauty in patience.
Self-awareness
This summer, I took time to reflect on all situations that brought me pain and agony over my adult life and realized the common denominator was ME. Each situation no matter how much they were/were not similar they had me involved. I played a role in each situation and outcome, good or bad, I made choices along the way that played apart in the outcome. Now that I’m honest with myself, I’m able recognize my mistakes and avoid them becoming reoccurring patterns. We love a self-aware queen!
Self-compassion
I knew I didn’t want to make the same mistakes and knowing that I’m unable to control the actions of others I decided to start with me. I decided that it was time for me to love myself as I have loved others because the truth was I hadn’t been. I hadn’t taken the time I needed to nurture and love myself as I have done past boyfriends and friends. Time and time again I've been told I give people more than they deserve of me. Which is why I decided to take a break from dating and focus on being the best version of myself.
Last year I went home and it seemed like every person I came in contact with had the same question, ”when are you getting married?” I couldn’t avoid that question no matter who I came in contact with. My sister even asked my age and when I answered her response was, “You must don’t plan on getting married?” I felt this pressure to make my next relationship work even if I wasn’t completely happy. It felt as if I had a ticking marriage time bomb on me which forced me to date men who compensated their inability to love me properly with gifts & money in exchange for me being forgiving, naïve and loving them more than I loved myself. I let others expectations for me dictate my self-worth. I have friends happily married, unhappily married and friends who are divorced before 30. I decided not to let other people’s expectations place unrealistic and undesirable expectations on me.
Patience
While on my journey to discovering self-worth I began to strengthen my spiritual relationship with God. During this time I have discovered that patience is a virtue. There is healing and strengthen in patience and truthfully I need both. God isn’t going to give you something you deserve one second too early or too late. I had to switch my mindset to- if I don’t have it yet it must not be for me or God has something greater coming. Being content with not having instant gratification is something I thought I would never be willing to accept but here I am. This has helped me work more consistently towards the things I do desire and not accept what doesn't fill my soul just because it's available when I'm feeling empty.
The past five months have been an emotional rollercoaster. Every twist and turn has forced me stop seeking the love I desire from others and for once give that love to myself. On my quest to fall in love with who I am I've encountered some lonely days. Some days, I want to go back to what's familiar but I know in order to get what my heart truly desires I have to love myself enough to know I deserve better. Not only do I deserve better but Ethan deserves better. He deserves to see his mom loved as a woman should be loved. I’ve been able to recognize my toxic traits, avoid unhealthy relationships and fall in love Meliqua. I’m eager to see what my growth looks like in 12 months.
Note to self: I am enough.
Post a Comment