Reader Request: Learning to Co-Parent

Since I started my blog so many women have been reaching out to me for advice and encouraging words. God is definitely using me!

This week’s blog post comes from an email I received asking how I was able to get over my son’s father and start co-parenting with him. 

When I first got this email, I chuckled because it brought back so many memories - good and bad. Memories of when my son’s father & I first started dating, sleeping in my college twin size dorm bed together, watching cartoon movies all night & our first date. It also reminded me of the bad memories like the never-ending arguments, the tears and him carrying me out the club to take me home because he didn’t want me to be there while he was there. These memories use to fill me with so many emotions. Now I can laugh at the crazy moments we had together without becoming emotional because I no longer care. I’m no longer emotionally invested in that relationship as I was when I was 21. Now the love I have for him comes from time, self-love and my desire for my son to have a healthy relationship with both parents.

Relationships are emotional roller coasters. Getting over a failed relationship is hard. Getting over a failed relationship that resulted in a child is much harder. Now try doing this as a 20-year-old and it’s a recipe for disaster, at least for me it was. The current state of my relationship with my son’s father took effort from both parties. Honestly, neither one of us would have ever imagined we would be in the space we are in now, but here we are co-parenting & communicating. We recently had dinner together and joked about how things were when we were younger and how far we have come.

There are 4 things that have helped me get to this space.

1. Time

2. Forgiveness

3. Boundaries

4. Love

Time

Time heals all is such a cliche, but it holds some truth. For me, with time came maturity, growth and an opportunity for me to self-reflect and work on myself. Time took the edge off the hurt from this failed courtship. Time allowed the hurt I was holding on to gradually fade away. When you have years of hurt and anger built up, it takes time to repair things. I had to remember that delayed does not mean denied. Just because things aren’t working out how I want them to now, doesn’t mean they won’t eventually.

Forgiveness

Learning to forgive when you haven’t received an apology is one of the toughest things I’ve learned to do. It feels as if you’re getting the short end of the stick but in reality you’re getting what your soul deserves- the chance to heal. Forgiveness for me, isn’t about the other person- it is about ME! It allowed me to forget and let go of the pain and hurt I was harboring and allowed me to heal. It also allowed me to speak more positively around my son about his father. Let go of those painful memories so you can be free.

Boundaries
 

In every relationship boundaries are important, especially in co-parenting. Once we agreed we were done trying to work out our personal relationship we established some boundaries. No asking about who the other person was seeing now, no back handed remarks about the other person’s new love interest and no more intimacy. Boundaries helped to establish a stronger relationship between us as we learned to make our son the center of our relationship. Boundaries protect you from assuming and falling down the rabbit hole of assumptions and uncertainty. With our newly established boundaries I’m able to make more rational decisions and less emotional ones. In the end everyone wins when you set clear expectations on parenting styles, time sharing, and support.

Love 

The love I have for my son outweighs the burden of any obstacle I may face. For him, I’m willing to fight the toughest battles alone or admit when I’m wrong if that means he gets to see his parents doing what’s best for him, together. Every decision I make is made with my son in mind. I’m willing to do whatever, whenever to ensure he’s raised right - learning to co-parent even when things aren’t going my way is one of those things. Loving my son doesn't stop with him, it also means respecting his father.

I would be lying if I said these last 8 years have been a walk in the park or the current state of my parenting journey is perfect. I remain optimistic that the best is yet to come. I live on the east coast and my son’s father lives on the west coast and works out of the country for most of the year. Our parenting situation is unique and takes an unlimited amount of effort and support to make it work. With our common goal being our son and his development, I'm excited for what the future holds for us. Getting over the past and focusing on the future led me to such a happy place that I pray other co-parenting duos get to experience.