Accountability has brought me peace.

It's never too late to decide you deserve more. To see change you have to make changes & hold yourself accountable. 

The reason I am even writing this blog now is because it was on my spirit to do so. This topic of accountability has been on my mind for weeks, not until a dear friend called me this past weekend did I feel compelled to actually post a new blog. Sometimes it seems I have lived 10000 lives, I am always the friend people reach out to for advice, because I have most likely experienced what they are going through from dating, family, motherhood and my career. You name it and I likely have some type of relatable experience. I have been praying to God to use me to let my mess be my message and here we are. 

Saturday morning, I received a call from one of my closest friends. She was bawling because she was with an ex, a man she had no business ever speaking to again, let alone spending time with. As she cried & expressed her feelings, she said she knew she had no business with him but she thought it would fill this emptiness she was feeling. She was tired of being the person no man ever shows up for, tired of being there for every man she believes is the one, never on the receiving end of reciprocity, tired of accepting anything from men just because it's more than nothing. I sat on the other end of the call, silent. Not silent because I didn't care but silent because I remember feeling that way time & time again. Before the call was over, I shared with her advice I wish someone would have shared with me before now: be still & allow God to speak to you, you have to love yourself before anyone else will & what role have you played in getting yourself here?

I can vividly remember being excited to see a man whom I had knew I shouldn't be with. My favorite excuse to myself was "its just a good time, I deserve it."I remember being on a high to see someone I once craved & the let down of realizing I had no business being there- as I headed home feeling used & even more lonely than before. I would be lying if I said this was years ago, it was actually more recent than I would like to admit. I also remember the moment I told myself, I deserved better and I didn't care what I accepted before- I wasn't accepting it again. This has caused a lot of people, if given the opportunity, to have to get to know the "new me." A new me who sets boundaries, is more vocal and who is not only content being alone but happy to be alone too!

Earlier this year, I was dating someone & he told me "My life has changed so much since you became apart of it. I pray to God every day & thank him for you. " While it felt good to have someone tell me those things, it also made me think "how has my life changed since he became apart of it? Where has my life improved?"I sat on this thought for days leading up to my next therapy session. As I spoke with my therapist, I couldn't name one way my life benefited from him. I was actually spread thin trying to maintain this relationship, on top of being a working single mom.  This was not only with him, it was something I experienced with nearly every romantic relationship I have had. Previously, acts of service was one of my love languages. It's how I would show someone I liked him, I would see where they needed help making things easier for them and I would often times over extending myself by doing so. 

When those relationships ended, it was me that really didn't benefit much, not in the ways they had. I realized I was being nice not kind. 

You may not think there is a difference between being nice & being kind but there definitely is. Per Google's definition, "Nice" is a self-centered behavior pattern, where you are acting in a "pleasing" manner to be a nice person and get people to like you. Kind is an other centered behavior pattern, where you're acting in the best interest of others, out of a sense of love, empathy, and compassion. The days of me being nice came & went and each day I am striving to be more kind and kinder to myself. 

I spent weeks between therapy sessions pondering why am I on the receiving end of the short stick so often. During this time, I realized my lack of accountability lead me here. I was on the receiving end of lack luster effort so often because I allowed it. 

I shared this story of a time a guy brought me wilted flowers after surgery last year. These flowers were dry, wilted, colorless and partially looked like weeds.  As he sat across the counter from me, I began to rip the flowers apart, throwing away the severely wilted flowers and placing the rest in a vase. When he asked why, I told him the flowers were wilted and dead. I was so furious, as I picked through these flowers, like what about me would make someone think this was acceptable? Once he left, I stopped speaking to him because of the flowers & what that symbolized to me. While he may not have known much about flowers, he knew what type to not get. Two weeks later, I received a delivery of four dozen red roses with a card that read, "The flowers you deserved." He knew what I deserved all along, he thought he could coast with the bare minimum because I would accept it. This was the aha moment of me, that nothing changes unless I do. 

I use to pride myself on being easy going, low maintenance as a way to seem like the prize or a great catch. In return, this got me less effort because it seemed as if I didn't require much. One day my therapist told me "you are not waiting to be picked, you are chosen!" Accountability for my actions means, not placing blame when things don't work in my favor.  Instead of placing blame, I identify what I could have done/avoided to prevent the turn out. Often times, while reflecting, I realized I was too flexible on my boundaries somewhere along the line for the sake of getting the outcome I ultimately desired. I wanted to be picked & if I just conformed to what they desired in return they would pick me. Those days of wanting to be picked to fill a void are long gone. 

Accountability has been a game changer for me, not only in romantic relationships but with work, financial decisions, food choices, fitness, and motherhood. The next time you are responding to that late night "come see me text", eating that greasy take out food that you know will sit on your waistline or over spending on your budget, ask your self " does this choice support the life I want?"

I will not lie like things have been so grand since I started to choose me and consider what I allow. It has led to me having more lonely nights, less dates because instead of going on a date to get out the house I would rather stay home & enjoy my own company.  It's less paid trips and vacations because I would rather be alone that spend time with someone filling a temporary void. While these days, my dating life hasn't been as exciting as previous years, it has been more peaceful and I will take that over chaos any day of the week. Those red flags are not Six Flags sis, they are another distraction slowing you down from the life you deserve.