Single Parent Q & A

Being a single mom is something you are never really prepared for, it sort of just happens or at least in my experience it just happened.

Now that Ethan will be nine soon I finally feel like I got the hang of this single mom thing. I have managed to figure out a work life balance that works for me and Ethan. It’s been a hell of a ride trying to figure things out but at last we are here.

I finally feel like I am in a space to give advice of substance which is why I allowed my Instagram followers to ask me questions about being a single mom with the promise to be open and honest. Some questions I expected while others threw me for a loop. Keep reading to see what questions my followers asked.

1. How do you feel about bringing men around your son?

Once I see myself getting serious with them I prefer to bring them around sooner than later-hear me out before you judge me. My son is at the age where he can tell me how he feels and what he thinks about people. Ethan speaks his mind at all times, so I need and value his input. If I do allow him to meet someone it’s in a social setting like sky zone, the mall or somewhere social. For me, I would never introduce Ethan to a guy in an intimate setting where it’s just us three. I think this puts too much pressure on everyone involved, I prefer more casual encounters to start off. Ethan knows I have male friends so when/if he does meet someone he thinks they are just my friends. I learned my lesson before by telling Ethan someone was my boyfriend and seeing him get attached. Ethan thinks I have only had 1 boyfriend.

2. How do you feel about child support and does it create hostility/more issues?

When talking about child support remove your feelings and do what’s best for the child. The fact is kids deserve the best life possible, we all do. If talking about support for your child changes the dynamic of the relationship you probably should have a child support order. Child support can create a hostile environment if you allow it to, it can also provide security for your child. What’s more important your ego or the peace of mind knowing your child is taken care of?

3. Give an example of a time you felt you failed Ethan and how did you fix it.

I think with my last serious relationship I failed Ethan when it ended. Ethan wants a step dad, he tells me he can’t wait for me to get married so he can have a family all the time. So when that relationship ended I felt I let Ethan down especially since me & Ethan were flying to see him weekly and we introduced our kids to each other. We had plans of moving together and Ethan had a room in his house so when it ended I felt like I let my son down too. To fix this I promised not to introduce him to anyone else as my boyfriend unless I knew the foundation was solid because I wouldn’t want him to get attached.

4. How did you/do you balance school, work, your social life and being a mom?

I don't know if I have it all balanced yet, I do know you make time for what is important. I feel like work and being a mom get 85% of my time now so I’m still searching for the perfect balance.

In the beginning I leaned on my mom for lots of help for Ethan’s infant/toddler years. She quit her job to be a nanny to Ethan so I could finish school and move to DC to intern. So my mom helped out tremendously. She kept him for me summer ‘13 for three months so I could intern in DC. Every day I threatened to quit my intern and move home because I missed Ethan. You make time for the things you find important sometimes that means making sacrifices now that can provide me more flexibility in the later.

Having a job that has good work life balance and values family has been a major key for me and my schedule. Monthly school lunch dates with Ethan have become something we both look forward to and having some flexibility with work helps make this happen.

5. Does your son ever ask about his father and what do you say about the situation?

When you get use to talking to someone or them being around, even if it’s just a once every blue moon, when they aren’t around anymore you notice and you being to ask questions. It sucks when that person is a parent but life is full of choices. People who choose not to be in their children life are people you shouldn’t want around them anyway. I tell Ethan the truth about everything, expect Santa not being real, that’s one heartbreak I haven’t been able to deliver yet.

He’s never going to grow up wondering what the truth is because I tell him everything in an age appropriate way. It’s my job to protect him and prepare him for life outside of my house.

6. Do you ever feel like a failure or like you failed your son because you are a single mom? I always feel like I let my son down because his father isn’t around.

Honestly, no! Not to toot my own horn but I’m a dope mom, my son gets the best version of me and I don’t let who is or isn’t not around determine my worth. I’m giving the best version of me to Ethan and as I grow it’ll only get better. If you get hung up on someone not being around you’ll miss you the opportunity to be the best parent you can be.

 

7. What is the hardest part about being a single parent?

 

For me, the hardest part is not having anyone to share the load with. I am the doctor, the friend, the disciplinary, the provider and everything else that is needed of me. Somedays even I get burnt out and I have learned to lean on friends and family when I need a break. When you have two parents who are still together or co-parenting, you normally have one who is the disciplinary & one who is the more easy going parent. For me, I have to find a balance between the two. This is what I struggle with the most, not being too nice but also not being too strict. I need him to know I am his parent, I am in charge and there are rules he has to follow but I also want him to know he doesn't need to fear me and can talk to me about anything. 

8. What advice do you have for single mothers?

Your kid deserves the best version of you. So please take time to care for you. You can’t pour from an empty cup so please take care of yourself first. Make time for self-care, self-admiration and self-love.
Don’t let being a single parent define who you are and make you a victim of your circumstances. You are a mom, a provider and someone is looking up to you. Kids are great imitators so give them something great to imitate.