As I get on social media, day after day I see yet another video of an unarmed Black person being murdered by a white police officer. To say I have grown numb to watching these videos is an understatement, each incident is worse than the one before and is quickly overshadowed by the next publicized murder of an unarmed Black person.
While I have grown numb to watching these videos, I now have a son who is on social media and sees these videos too. So not only do I have to process my emotions and pain over seeing these videos,I also have to help him process his and it is a heartbreaking struggle every time. I have been avoiding social media and all news sources because honestly, I’m tired. I am tired of feeling helpless and angry that this is the world we live in. That this is a world I have to raise my son in. It’s a constant emotional war.
Each video puts us through the stages of grief- denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. Denial because I refuse to believe yet another unarmed Black person was murdered by a police officer who will not be helped accountable & acceptance because it is happening so often with no repercussions. It’s a vicious never ending cycle, same script different unarmed person murdered. I find my self struggling to stay off social media because I want to suppress these emotions but still frequently refreshing my timeline because I want to remain informed.
The most recent video that has sparked protects, riots and looting across the country is one of George Floyd. He laid helpless in the street while multiple officers restrained him and one held his knee in Floyd’s neck, restricting his breathing which eventually lead to his murder. This video is heartbreaking as millions have now watched Floyd take his last breath. It’s also something we have seen time & time again.
As I struggle to write this post, I struggled even more to find the words to have this conversation with Ethan about this. How do I explain to my son that others can see his blackness as a weapon? When do our Black kids go from cute to a threat? How do I know my son won’t be the next hashtag? The role of being a black mom comes with a bit more stress, more worries and more sleepless nights. It is my responsibly to prepare my son for the world but how do you prepare someone for a world that hates them based on the color of their skin? Better yet, why do we live in a world where someone hates you based on your skin color? So while it’s a talk I have been avoiding going in depth with, it’s a talk we must have. I don’t want to ruin what the world looks like to him but I also have to responsibly to prepare him for the real world, and unfortunately that comes with telling him the harsh truth - that because of his blackness he is considered a threat. I considered taking Ethan to D.C. to peacefully protest but as I turn on the news I see videos of kids being pepper sprayed. It’s a hopeless situation so for now, we stay home and continue to talk about what’s going on, always making sure I give him the opportunity to express how he is feeling.
I’m the mother of a 5’8 nine year old. When people see him, they see a teenager and not an innocent nine year old who wants to play basketball and tag with his friends. We started having “the talk” about a year ago when a previous teacher would always describe him as intimidating and scary compared to the other kids because of his height and deep voice. Although, we have started this dialogue some time ago I wasn’t fully ready to have this one. This one hurts a little more, because I know I won’t always be able to protect him & I won’t always be there to make sure someone doesn’t see him as a threat by him simple existing.
Tonight, I hugged Ethan a little harder than normal not because he needed it because I needed it. I’m a Black boy mom who knows this world won’t afford him the same privilege as others based on the color of his skin. I worry so much about being a Black woman raising a black son, so that hug with the extra squeeze was for me.
Black Lives Matter.
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