December 2023, I decided to get an assessment for ADHD.What I thought would be an easy diagnosis would result in a life changing realization for me. For years, I fought with low self-esteem, forgetfulness, vulnerability and mood swings. I Googled my symptoms and self-diagnosed myself with ADHD. I just needed a formal diagnosis, and I would be fixed, at least that’s what I thought.
The assessment was a 5 hour- multipart assessment which cost $700 and is not covered by insurance. The assessment included a cognitive test that assessed how my brain performs under pressure, my visual & verbal memory, and processing speed to understand what my cognitive deficits are. I performed fairly well on the cognitive test, which I knew I would. I perform well under pressure, which is not surprising, since I have high functioning anxiety.
There was also a verbal session, where my psychiatrist asked me questions to understand the why behind the cognitive deficits uncovered during the testing. The verbal session is where I really experienced breakthrough. During this session, we dove deep into my childhood to understand when things started to change for me. I can pinpoint the exact moment in time I started experiencing forgetfulness, self-esteem issues and disassociation. It was 2000, my father was just murdered and that thrust me into a whirlwind of trauma from that day forward. During the assessment, my trauma was unfurling like an ancient scroll, revealing layers of pain and memories I hadn't fully confronted. I spent my adolescent years unpacking some heavy things that included abandonment, sexual assault, hyper-independence and eventually hyper sexuality.
By the end of the call, she told me the first diagnoses would be complex post-traumatic stress disorder, (complex PTSD.) She said I have been through so much my nervous system hasn’t had a chance to recover from the previous incident. I was experiencing chronic trauma from a young age. ADHD & Complex PTSD have overlapping symptoms and arise from different causes. ADHD is a neurodevelopment disorder while complex PTSD arises from repeated and prolonged trauma which changes the brains stress response. The verbal session is what helped my psychiatrist properly diagnose me since both disorders share similar symptoms.
Being told I had complex PTSD forced me to accept that I needed to address my trauma before I would be able to move forward. I could no longer keep my thoughts & memories in my mind, spending night after night sorting things in my head. I finally dared to voice the thoughts that once lured in the shadows of my mind, like timid mice hesitant to emerge from their hiding places.
For years, I dealt with feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, struggled with vulnerability in relationships, disassociation in groups, and regulating my emotions. My personal and romantic connections bear the weight of this struggle; it's as if my trauma has erected walls around my heart cautioning against vulnerability. It has whispered lies about my worthiness, convincing me I must constantly strive for validation, as if my value were a prize to be won rather than inherent.
This diagnoses has led me to Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy, a treatment for complex PTSD. It's a form of therapy that helps you process distressing memories and traumatic events. This experience has taught me your body doesn't forget trauma. My body hasn't forgotten the pain I felt learning my Caucasian grandparents disowned my mother because she was giving birth to me, a black child. My body still bears the weight that my dad's unsolved murder was somehow my fault, if only I called him sooner to pick me up he wouldn't have been killed.
I am learning that I am worthy of love, even the parts of me I am not proud of. I am learning that my story is like so many others and shame no longer has to live in me. I am learning that I can trust myself to make the best decisions for me. I am learning that setting boundaries will be the foundation of my self love and before I can love anyone else, I have to love myself.
I share this with love & from experience; take the necessary steps towards healing. There is growth, vulnerability and self love in healing.
